Peter Kelly's Induction

Chad Hershner said that today is an important day for our Rotary Club – we must decide whether or not Peter Kelly is truly fit to be our fearless leader and become the next President! Before we do the formal election, we thought it would be helpful to make sure that you, as a voting member, are fully informed, understand and have a greater depth of knowledge about Peter Kelly.  Our incredibly resourceful stunts committee has been working tirelessly over the past year to conduct research, gather stories and find photos of our potential President Kelly in action. Peter is a well respected business professional who usually demonstrates a calm, cool, collected and thoughtful demeanor. We could not have a better advocate for our community!  But there are something’s you may not know about Peter.  Did you know that Peter Kelly is a terrible driver – especially in winter! When his wife Katie was pregnant with their third child, it was a bit hectic at 7:30 in the morning getting the other two children up and out the door. It was winter and the snow banks were about 4 feet high on either side of the drive way. Peter got everyone into the car and then proceeded to launch the family sedan onto one of the snow banks – so much so that the trunk and back tires extended over the road. When Peter was working at Menasha Corporation, all the snow was plowed to one side creating 6 foot snow banks. Peter managed to launch the Menasha Corporation vehicle on top of the snow bank in such a way that none of the 4 wheels were in contact with the ground – quite a feat – especially on a street with a  posted speed limit of just 25 miles per hour. Deborah Wetter has agreed to provide you with Valley Transit bus passed – not just for your safety but for those around you. Peter is also known as a man who will do almost anything. Over the course of the years, Peter has performed many stunts – he has had pies thrown in his face, chowed down on spaghetti, and even shaved his head. I heard he also dressed up in spandex as a superhero – but the stunts committee decided we could not show those photos – since we are family friendly club. What kind of stunts will Peter perform as President of our Club.  One of the top reasons and greatest values our members have said time and time again for why they join the club is for networking and building friendships. Working at the United Way, Peter knows lots of people in our community. We have a memory game we would like to play to test Peter’s knowledge and prove his skills are remembering names. Let’s play a game – Who is Your Fellow Rotarian? Peter – all you have to do is say their name. Let’s see how well Peter knows his fellow Rotarians.  Now Peter, I understand that you have a long solid history as a good catholic family. Being a good Catholic there are lots of key factors important to the Catholic faith – singing, paying attention and drinking. Here to help you remember and reinforce some of the lessons you should have learned over the years is non-other than Sister Mary Katherine…the Horrible (played by Mary Schmidt)!  I think it is important for me to share with the Rotary Club some of the things I uncovered and learned about you. I understand you are quite a Prankster and someone who loves April Fool’s Day. When your siblings were still attending St. John’s Catholic grade school, April Fools Day fell on a day when there was no school. However, you little mischievous devil set your sisters’ alarm clocks and ran into their room telling them to quickly get dressed because they had to get ready for school. When the sleepy-eyed sisters were all dressing in their plaid uniforms and eating cereal he announced “April Fools”. Do we want to elect this jokester to be our next President?  I also have observed on numerous occasions that you frequently fall asleep, dose off, or disengage during meetings, conversations and even Mass! I understand there is actually an entire SERIES of “Peter Sleeping in Mass” photos.  Will Peter stay awake during our Rotary meetings? Being a good Catholic, Peter knows how to drink – as all GOOD Catholics do! I understand that you have a special talent for balancing a high ball glass full of scotch, stinger or Irish whiskey on his head while dancing. This is a trick he learned from his Gran! We have one final item we feel is of MOST Importance for our Club to know and it has to do with your SINGING (or lack their of) abilities. Is it true that not only can’t you sing, but that you can’t even hum well?  I think you should demonstrate your humming abilities for our club by humming the tune SMILE!  If we decided to elect him, this Prankster Peter will need all of our help to stay awake and remember our names. The question is now up to the Club – is this man, Peter Kelly, truly fit for the office of President?  The answer is "yes".